Since arriving in Chile, I hadn’t yet offered many of my
more classic commentaries, replete with biting wit and high eloquence. Well,
Stef on Stuff 2.0 is back because rather than family time or aimless wandering,
I actually went to see things today. Real tourist things, and real untouristy
things alike!
When I signed up for Bellavista, I was so excited to go on
afternoon trips around the city. I figured that like me, most people in an international immersive language school would be looking for a living language – one they could
experience afuera de la clase, con contextos culturales. (Spanish isn’t hard. You shouldn't need GoogleTranslate here. Afuera means outside.). But, considering Monday’s tour
was cancelled due to not meeting the minimum of 6 participants and today’s only
had 3 people by 11 a.m., I was both concerned and frustrated.
I spent my break harassing No. 4 and No. 5 into signing up,
and then asking a whole bunch of others that I didn’t know at all if
they’d like to join. Most people turned me down politely, claiming other plans
but one incredibly rude British guy, snobby accent and all, said, “I truly can’t
imagine anything worse.” Um, hello? So nice to meet you, too and thanks for
yucking my yum, jerk. The Queen would be ashamed. Just trying to be friendly and cultural here. Instead
of giving him a big FU, I smiled and said, “Well, that’s too bad. Have a great
day.”
I can 98 percent guarantee you that my day was better than
his.
So, el problema: five signed up, six minimum. You can do the
math. My teacher who happened to also be the tour guide told me that el
director makes los decisiones. Funny, since I already decided this tour was going
to happen. I marched down the hall, knocked on his door, and in about three
sentences got his approval to go with five. I spent the next hour beaming with
joy.
Lidia is my second-hour teacher. A leftist Pinochet-angsty
late 50something, she’s the feistiest. Today’s class conversation included a
list of Chile’s top nudist beaches, her grandmother’s discovery of her
ex-boyfriend’s five marijuana plants, and a Kazakhstani party girl’s wedding to
a Chilean miner. Normal classroom talk. (I also found out that Mauricio has
lived with girlfriends in at least seven countries, including Tunisia, and
Sebastian loves Dragonball Z.). As
one might imagine, I was pretty excited for the stories she’d tell on the tour.
At 1:30, we set off for Metro Salvador hasta Metro
Universidad de Chile. On the metro, I started translating for two of our
companeras. I figured this would be a nice thing to do for the bewildered pair
over the next hour or so. The metro has nice murals, they are about death
and dictatorship, here’s a diagram of the conquistadores, yadayadayada. Uplifting stuff.
We
exited the metro into an underground mall which appears to be filled with strip clubs.
No, they are not strip clubs, but daytime discotecas, remnants of Pinochet’s
curfew era, where people couldn’t go out at night… So, they just made really
dark cafes for night-in-day experiences. Lidia also gave an elongated description of
two types of architectural technology to withstand earthquakes. Thanks to a
class I took on architecture in Spain, I actually knew a lot of the words she
was saying… but how do you translate hormigon armada? I think it comes out to
be cement-reinforced-with-crisscrossing-steel-bars-that-can-absorb-shock-well-and-withstand-natural-disasters-like-earthquakes.
We ate lunch at a traditional spot and Lidia told us to get
teremotos. A teremoto is an earthquake, but really, its alcohol. And who doesn’t
want a fishbowl-sized bebida at lunch on a Wednesday? Mi nueva amiga Nicole and
I barely finished our shared one drink but looked real cute with two straws.
Lidia champed hers down, expectedly. Nicole had to leave for home, so she didn’t
actually get to go on the three more hours of tour. Yes, two down, three to go.
Surprise: this took five hours of my life up! Hooray – something to do with my
afternoon!
We wandered through the commercial district and the government
district, including a street known as New York and a palace known as La Moneda.
In between those, I had the chance to attempt a translation for Patrimonio de
la Humanidad but in English, can anyone tell me what Patrimony of Humanity
means? Please submit your respuestas to stefgroner@gmail punto com.
When we started crossing a bridge over Chile’s singular
north-south highway, I realized that Lidia hadn’t actually reached the first of
the three ‘cultural’ neighborhoods we would be visiting. I felt pretty damn
cultural already.
Over the suspension bridge, we found ourselves in Brasil. “But
wait, you’re in Chile! It’s a skinny country but not that skinny,” I thought. Well, welcome to Hipster Chile better
known as Barrio Brasil. Within one block, I saw two guys playing guitar and
three cardboard box houses for street dogs. You know, just like in Scarsdale.
We passed countless universities and I tried to re-explain Lidia’s sentiment on
how Pinochet robbed her of juventud (youthfulness) during his toque de queda
(politically-imposed curfew), which is why she parties so hard with her niece now.
We passed churches, avenues, and incredible murals – each one
needed a picture, so maybe it’s my fault this tour was five hours. Eventually,
we reached Spongebob’s house. This underwater-themed restaurant had me beyond
skeptical – a nautical urban eatery meant for tourist families couldn’t have
sounded more like my idea of hell, or the scene in Easy A when Lobster Todd
starts singing.
But, it was THE COOLEST PLACE EVER (well, top 100 on my list,
I think). An entire block long, Oceano Pacifico has an actual submarine inside.
Every table has different chairs, and each room has a theme. I got a real kick
from the one where you sit inside an actual whale’s jaw and another with lots
of Easter Island face statues. Waiters in sailor suits and puffer fish turned
into colorful lampshades, this was the weirdest restaurant that I have ever
entered. And I didn’t even eat anything.
We continued through palm trees and painted streets,
eventually whittling the group down to three + Lider Lidia. Finally, she took
us to a French Barbershop for tea. ‘What? That makes no sense!’ you say?
You would be correct except the barbershop is just a façade for
a speakeasy French café! Here, the bathroom was in Narnia – actually! You had
to open an inconspicuous armoire to find the hall to the toilette.
While I was exploring Narnia, the others succumbed to
tiramisu, crème brulee and something called Chocolate Sour. While I was not at
the table, Lidia ordered this cocoa beverage for Adineh who speaks about two
licks of Spanish and definitely did not communicate that she was allergic to
whiskey. Oh well – more for me to taste! Alas, it was too strong and not a good
mix with my fresh mint tea. Maybe when I’m in a more afternoon-tipsy mood, I’ll
try it again. Another note on the French barbershop: everything inside is for
sale! The lookbook lists gilded mirrors, Barbie heads, paintings from Paris,
and empty cigar boxes among the treasure trove. We left empty-handed and mildly
exhausted, but quite content.
I’m glad I left the motley crew behind because I no longer
had to translate for anyone but myself, when I felt like it! Absolved! It was a
fun game to practice my translator abilities and occasionally make things up,
but by the end of five hours, the mind tends to wander even when the body is
physically present in the conversation.
I also had more really exciting plans! I went to Quinto
Normal to meet my NU and JYS-Sevilla amiga Natalie, who is here to teach rural Chilean
children English for four months. It’s like TFA but foreign and shorter. We had
a really nice long walk around a huge park and then into a beautiful church –
what more could you want from a late afternoon in a foreign city?
I thought the day was perfect – colorful sites, interesting
company, memorable challenges, something chocolatey, and a happy conclusion.
So, I didn’t ask for anything more.
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